A Future for Saddam
By Mr. George M Weinert V

Now that Hussein's progeny, Huday and Qusay are eday and safely locked in HELL we must address problem of "What to do" with Saddam Hussein:

I HAVE A GREAT IDEA!!

Remember we have to be concerned with the future of poor Saddam. If you study his life, you'll find that his is just a simple country boy who joined the resistance attempting to engineer a coup d'etat in Iraq in the 1950's because he couldn't get a job and they were the only guys in Iraq that had a bathtub.

Hussein enjoys quasi-mythical status in Iraq thanks to his ever-present portrait and influence. There are a number of feature length films shown on Iraqi TV and in theatres that detail his ONE AND ONLY real accomplishment in life - the attempted assassination of the ruler in power in the 1960's. I've seen parts of it and it is quite rousing, portraying a brave, handsome and virile young Saddam who is wounded in this attempted coup, flees into the Iraq desert (clenching a dagger in his teeth yet), swims across a raging river and finally finds refuge in a Mosque (where the Clerics have pity on this poor homeless boy). It's quite a piece of mindless propaganda but the Iraqis seem to enjoy this sort of infantile adventure and like being entertained and brain-washed at the same time.

This grand mystique, however could prove very advantageous for all concerned. Since Saddam already has an international rep with some of the more dim-witted folks he can NOW HAVE A FUTURE AND EVEN GET A JOB!

Now it we do have a peaceful settlement, and Hussein gets away, he's gonna have a BIG PROBLEM - HE WILL HAVE TO FINALLY GET A JOB! This atavistic anthropoid has NO EDUCATION to speak of (he dropped out of high school, and though he does hold a college degree, he got it by marching into the university president's office with 12 of his armed goons and simply demanding one and of course the university gladly complied) and no marketable job skills so this will create a real problem.

So if we exclude the highly competitive positions of tyrant, dictator, president, faghib, "Supreme Leader", killer and thug the job prospects for Hussein look bleak indeed!

Now here's MY IDEA:

Maybe we can offer Hussein a CABLE TV SHOW? Now I'm not really sure if they have a sect of "born again" or "saved" Muslims but if not, Saddam can always start one! Heck, he sure has more credentials than some of the myopic "Mullahs" in Afghanistan, so this ought to be a breeze!

Perhaps it could be "The Hussein Holy Hour", "Spirituality with Saddam", "Reflections on Jihad" or some other witty Iraqism. Who knows?

Now I don't know if there is a 'born again' or 'saved' faction with Islam but if there is not, Saddam can always start one; he does have some very convincing associates. As a 'Born Again" Muslim TV Preacher, he could expound on the many benefits of His Special version of Islam such as:

1) As Many wives as you can afford
2) As many concubines and mistresses as you can handle
3) Beheadings in the Public Square
4) Cuttinf off of hands, legs, ears and other offensive body parts
5) License to rape, rob and kill all 'infidels'
6) Religiously sanctioned political imprisonment, torture and murder
7) An eternal reward in a 'heaven' filled with oversexed virgins and young boys for male pleasure
8) Hashish and Opium at Daily Prayer

Now he already has plenty of videos to show of his 'political' prisoners being tortured and killed and it ought to be no problem for him to arrange for 'guest spots' from sweethearts like Mullah Omar, bin Laden (don't worry, Hussein knows where he is), Arafat and lots more as well.

If he's smart and brings some of his "Republican Guard" out of Iraq with him, they can do LIVE demonstrations on how they gassed, robbed, raped and killed innocent Kurds and bayoneted small babies (this for the late night crowd only of course!) If Saddam has been on his toes, he probably has many videos of these events to watch late at night with his mistress (Before he takes his Viagra).

These professional goons could also demonstrate their best techniques for looting and plundering. They can also offer many tips on how to brutalize and kill captives as they did in Kuwait.

It wouldn't be too difficult for him to contact some of his sultan pals in Saudi and get a few dozen harem concubines and dancers on loan and assemble a Muslim Version of the "Rockettes" complete with authentic belly dancing and veil peeling.

Remember also that a lof of these folks make great rugs and some even know how to fly them so this offers great potential for assorted variety acts, complete with turbaned Bedouins in full desert gear.

Let's not forget all those great tricks they can do with the camels, and it is rumored that their goat herders can handle a ram like no other.

Perhaps we can start him off small, say with an early Sunday morning Holy Hour on some cheesy cable channel but this can grow as billions of people become aware of it.

Once things get rolling, he can go prime time, get into books, cassettes and videos carrying the message of his MURDEROUS VERSION OF ISLAM and will be on easy street fast!

He'll need a sidekick of course and it is rumored that Tariq Aziz can do a great snake charming act when he's not busy lying though his teeth so this one ought to be a snap.

Heck, this dude can be the next MUSLIM BILLY SUNDAY! and if his tribe handles it right, make as much or more than he ever could stealing the oil profits! Someone's gotta make the offer, though!

Now I know this is going to be a great cultural shock for the Supreme Leader - he HAS NEVER HELD A REAL JOB IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE. I know some good folks that can get him into the "Welfare to Work" program at the Illinois Department of Public Aid for some job readiness skills training. He'll have to do it anyway, since his food stamp benefits will be cancelled if he fails to look for REAL WORK.

You've heard of CBN (Christian Broadcasting Network)? Wow this guy could even pioneer MCN (the Muslim Cable Network). Wow, this is hot!

So we make Saddam this offer and show him HOW MANY DINARS he can make in a week, and he's gonna FORGET ALL ABOUT ANY FUTURE LIFE AS A DICTATOR AND COME TO THE USA TO MAKE THE BIG BUCKS!

Can I get nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize now, Ollie?